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cover 13About The Last Redhead

 

If we can create the physical appearance of our children before they are born, then we would invariably consume certain traits more than others. And if no redheads were available to enhance our spectrum of human characteristics, there would be people like the very inventive Doctor Squishy to find, or create the redheaded gene.

The Last Redhead is the last redheaded child born in twenty-some years, the nurse said over her dying mother’s body. With no father to be found, The Last Redhead grows in an orphanage until she becomes eighteen years old. The rainy day she graduated to the street, she is picked-up by a disgusting, abusive opportunist, who takes her to Doctor Squishy the obstetrician, with the hope that insemination creates a valuable redheaded child. Managing to escape into the motherly arms of her modeling agent, The Last Redhead finds herself struggling with her image, surrounded by people wanting to have red hair, to look like her, be her. She models for Redy F’redy condoms advertisements, and is hopeless about losing friends and an inability to go out in public without harassment by a society compelled to find the redheaded gene through The Genealogical Society’s automated genetic teller machines.

The competing top-model, a voluptuous blonde named after a hair dye, Better Blonder Blonde is a market in a minute. Everything she does is captured on film and turned into an advertisement by camerapeople’s popping flashbulbs; encapsulating everyone’s long, bare-thighed movements. Thriving on the throbbing world of attention, she begins to rethink her life and gets away in want of the feelings of discovering her talent again. Along the way, in her Flexonoroff dress, Better Blonder Blonde commercializes an adult soft drink, gets her personalized, automated genetic teller machine, all while being enhanced by a shadowy couple who wires-in her ability to poof herself into a more buxom, better Better Blonder Blonde. With the help of a nineteen-seventies, spoon-hanging-around-the-neck type of agent, she commercializes an alternative hair coloring that Doctor Squishy discovered during his attempt to find comfort for one of his pregnant patients.

Brunette is an investigator, half-heartedly working for someone who everyone believes is The Last Redhead’s father; a down-and-out, troubled man, who trained crows to collect quarters for peanuts. Brunette confesses as to why she hates him, while working with a partner to get the parental message to The Last Redhead.

When it all rolls out with a flapping snap at the end, it’s Doctor Squishy who…

Well, The Last Redhead is filled with comedic situations, with invention, commercialism, modeling, medicine, genetic engineering and fanaticism, compressed into 142, 629 words of humor and entertainment.

(sorry, we can’t give refunds)